My neighborhood is inhabited by a lot of squirrels. A lot. Most don't concern me. But there is one, who resides somewhere in my back yard with his minions, upon whom I have declared war.
This overgrown bushy-tailed rat, along with his subordinate rodents, has in the past availed himself of the tomatoes I have tried hard to grow in my vegetable garden. Plump, juicy, but not ripe enough to harvest, tomatoes. Many, many of them. Oh yes, King Squirrely the Tomato Thief, I am well aware that it is you who, last summer, brazenly snatched the spoils of my hard labor from my plants. Snatched and half eaten, leaving their carcasses on my fence posts to tease me. Yes, I know it is you and your henchsquirrels who regularly sit on the roof of the neighbors garage hurling your chattery squirrel sarcastic comments at me should I dare to enter my yard. Laughing at and taunting me.
And yes, I see you once again eyeing my tomato plants. Waiting for the still small fruit to plump up. Waiting for it to reach that not quite ripe enough stage. Waiting to once again steal that which is rightfully mine.
But you have underestimated me my fine furry little nemesis. For I am not just any old vegetable gardener.
No, I am not just your run of the mill homeowner trying to provide his family with a bounty of fresh fruits and vegetables.
Beware squirrel, for I am no mere human.
I. Am. A. Scientist.
A scientist with powertools.
Yes, dear squirrel, that is a veritable fortress I constructed around my vegetable patch this past Saturday.
A squirrel-proof fortress.
No matter that it cost as much as 47.3 pounds of tomatoes from the local farmers market.
No matter that I had to toil for three hours in 90 degree heat and 90% humidity to construct it.
No matter that I had to endure the pitying "I think he's finally lost it" looks from the neighbors.
And my wife.
No matter that it makes tending my plants infinitely more difficult.
You. Shall. Steal. No. More. Tomatoes.
Not even one.
But if you do somehow manage to penetrate my squirrel-proof vegetable garden fortress, next year it will be motion sensors and laser-guided...