Squirrel war

Jun 18 2012 Published by under Life

My neighborhood is inhabited by a lot of squirrels. A lot. Most don't concern me. But there is one, who resides somewhere in my back yard with his minions, upon whom I have declared war.

This overgrown bushy-tailed rat, along with his subordinate rodents, has in the past availed himself of the tomatoes I have tried hard to grow in my vegetable garden. Plump, juicy, but not ripe enough to harvest, tomatoes. Many, many of them. Oh yes, King Squirrely the Tomato Thief, I am well aware that it is you who, last summer, brazenly snatched the spoils of my hard labor from my plants. Snatched and half eaten, leaving their carcasses on my fence posts to tease me. Yes, I know it is you and your henchsquirrels who regularly sit on the roof of the neighbors garage hurling your chattery squirrel sarcastic comments at me should I dare to enter my yard. Laughing at and taunting me.

And yes, I see you once again eyeing my tomato plants. Waiting for the still small fruit to plump up. Waiting for it to reach that not quite ripe enough stage. Waiting to once again steal that which is rightfully mine.

But you have underestimated me my fine furry little nemesis. For I am not just any old vegetable gardener.

No, I am not just your run of the mill homeowner trying to provide his family with a bounty of fresh fruits and vegetables.

Beware squirrel, for I am no mere human.

I. Am. A. Scientist.

A scientist with powertools.

Yes, dear squirrel, that is a veritable fortress I constructed around my vegetable patch this past Saturday.

A squirrel-proof fortress.

No matter that it cost as much as 47.3 pounds of tomatoes from the local farmers market.

No matter that I had to toil for three hours in 90 degree heat and 90% humidity to construct it.

No matter that I had to endure the pitying "I think he's finally lost it" looks from the neighbors.

And my wife.

No matter that it makes tending my plants infinitely more difficult.

You. Shall. Steal. No. More. Tomatoes.


Not even one.

But if you do somehow manage to penetrate my squirrel-proof vegetable garden fortress, next year it will be motion sensors and laser-guided...


25 responses so far

  • Jim Thomerson says:

    Squirrel and dumplings make a really good meal.

  • Comrade PhysioProf says:

    Dude, you know that squirrels can dig holes under your barriers, right? You will never win. Because this is just a hobby for you, but it's these squirrels' fucken jobbe to eat your garden.

    • odyssey says:

      It's a raised bed. They would have to dig down about 8 inches to get under the boards, up through the weed barrier, and then through another ~foot of soil. They can try.

    • EricX says:

      This is my contention when having to deal with things don't quite go as planned in the lab when some people are involved -- You have a lot to do and the only thing the monkey has to think about is how to unlock the cage. You can't win. A monkey with free time will always triumph.

  • ScottMGS says:

    What? No pictures? We need plans and blueprints!

    • odyssey says:

      How do I know you're not a member of the Squirrels Tomato Liberation Front? Nope, the blueprints are staying safely locked up.

  • proflikesubstance says:

    Wouldn't a .22 and taking an afternoon off to wait for him to arrive have been easier?

    • odyssey says:

      He would just be replaced by the largest of his minions etc. Do you have any idea just how many squirrels there are?

  • gerty-z says:

    could be worse. racoons. those things are fucking smart. and nasty. and giant. they wouldn't even notice your fence on the way to the food.

    • odyssey says:

      Our local raccoons don't go for the tomatoes. They just force their way into our attic and chew up all the ductwork.... True story. Twice.

    • brooksphd says:

      My local racoons are total wimps. Now, the possums...not fucking with them, I tell ya. Shot one in the ass 8 times at virtual point blank range with my trusty super-charged BB gun and s/he just looked at me like, "Dude. What the fuck? Go away."

      So I then had at it with the squirty bottle we use on the house cats. Motherfucker ran like a...a racoon at that threat.

  • Pascale says:

    Groundhogs always got ours. One bite from each one...just enough to ruin them.

  • leigh says:

    i think it's time to bring drone warfare to your backyard squirrel problem. it would not need to last long.

  • Why didn't you invite me over in the afternoon and then we could have enjoyed a meal of chicken fried squirrel with a side of maters while we watched NASCAR?

  • Maggie says:

    I used to have a coworker who made "Squirrel Jumbalaya". Mmmmm. It was tasty.

  • A. Squirrel says:




    A. Squirrel

  • Mike says:

    We found that a trap called the "Squirellinator" worked very well when we had this problem.

  • JollyRgr says:

    Squirrels.....that's nothing, 'roos ate the tops off our hakea's

    Now that's a real pest problem........6 foot tall bouncing rats that can kill a man!!!

  • Goose says:

    Your wife wasn't giving you a "he's finally lost it" look... She knows you lost it a long time ago...

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