Everybody Hates You: Academia

Jun 17 2014 Published by under Careers, Life

Administrators that think adjunct faculty are a good idea.

Dinosaur graybeards who maintain the status quo.

Faculty who haven't updated their teaching in fifteen years.

Faculty who won't admit academia and the research funding situation have changed dramatically, and continue to do so rapidly.

Faculty who only train future faculty.

Faculty who treat department staff like dirt.

Faculty who treat their lab personnel like dirt.

Postdocs who think they've got it all figured out.

Grad students who think a PhD is a given.

Entitled undergrads.

The third reviewer.


I've barely scratched the surface with the above. Go hog wild in the comments.

31 responses so far

  • bashir says:

    Anyone who thinks a wave a retirements is coming.

    Anyone without a decent webpage. Departments, faculty, postdocs, etc.

  • becca says:

    Pre-Med students who need that A, obviously. Or Med students.
    The amorphous "administrators" who are overpaid and make All The Tuitions (and Indirects) go up, while never providing anything tangible of value (like up to date faculty websites that faculty don't have to spend time on).

  • tehbride says:

    Sponsored programs officers. All of them.

  • tehbride says:

    The woman at motor pool who does the paper work and gives you your keys.

    "So hey, do you know if they replaced the battery or charged it?"
    "Why would I know that!? I'm the secretary!"

  • mytchondria says:

    Those faculty member 'friends' who invite you to a party, and it turns out to be an intervention and they have signed you up for rehab. Again.

    And sales reps.

  • mytchondria says:

    Students who say "right". I know I'm fuckken right, you twerps.

  • mytchondria says:

    Newly admins, chairs or program directors who think everything needs a fuckken poster session. I'm not going to your damn poster session.

  • mytchondria says:

    That douche bag across the hall who says "I didn't see you in your office/lab this weekend. Are you okay". I know you don't give a shitte if I'm okay you fuckken troll.

  • mytchondria says:

    Anyone who doesn't bring food or water to a meeting they organized that is going to last for 2h+.

  • mytchondria says:

    Anyone who thinks I want food and water when I really want liquor.

  • mytchondria says:

    People who ask me to buy magazines and $20 candles at work.

  • mytchondria says:

    People who come to your desk asking if you know where someone else is. They are banging your mom, you assholes.

  • mytchondria says:

    People who don't take notes. Even the fuckken dood from Memento knew writing shitte down will save your stupid arse.

  • mytchondria says:

    The 'I have no kids, so I think I'll set up a monthly dinner faculty meeting' chair.

  • mytchondria says:

    Nose pickers. You're not fuckken invisible, you know.

  • mytchondria says:

    "Reply all" bastards.

  • mytchondria says:

    Jackasses who bring their kids to work for a week and set them up in the break room with an ipad. You suck. Your kids think you suck too.

  • mytchondria says:

    People who have their iphones/ipads set to hapatic feedback while they type emails.

  • mytchondria says:

    People who label things Buffer A. Is "A" for Idiot? No! It's for Asshole. Spell that shitte out so that when I throw it at you, I'll be grabbing something that will kill you.

  • mytchondria says:

    A dozen whole wheat gluten free bagels? Why didn't you just bring rocks? You all are fuckken fired!

  • mytchondria says:

    Don't touch my bench. Ever. Just don't. I already know you pick your fuckken boogers.

  • mytchondria says:

    Lock the screen on a common lab computer, again fuckker. I will give you an Etch a Sketch to work on.

  • mytchondria says:

    If you have gloves on, you better be doing an experiment or giving a prostate exam because if I see you stupid asses touching an elevator button again, I will re-sex you.

  • mytchondria says:

    People who complain and swear too fuckken much.

  • Kalmia says:

    The asshole who brings fish for lunch and stinks up the whole floor.

    The person who parks so close that you have to get in from the passenger side when leaving work.

    The person who schedules last minute after hours lab meetings & says I should just bring my kid.

    The colleagues who say "I decided not to have kids because I'm serious about my career" when you announce your pregnancy.

    The coauthor who asks for edits by Friday but gets pissy if he doesn't get them by Thursday morning.

    The coauthor who begins a biogeography proposal with the infamous "everything is everywhere" cliche.

    The boss who refers to you as his "Lady Doctor."

  • odyssey says:

    The boss who refers to you as his "Lady Doctor."

    For real?!?! Somebody deserves a good woodchipping.

  • genomedaddy says:


    people who post again and again the comments section.

  • NatC says:

    The guy who says "Yeah well it's easier for you on the job market, you're a woman"

    The guy who says "I should have applied for a job in [x] department since it's obviously easier to get a job there" when x=your department. Bonus points when it's the same guy as above.

    The person who tells grad students "you need to do [y] for me or your career is over"

  • The visiting dignitary whose protocol and security detail paralyze an entire Institute.

    If you are not in the US/UK/Ger, the absolute scum on the bottom of the toilet is the customs official who retains your reagents and/equipment for weeks or months.

    Whoever was the first uber-asshole to introduce the word "DELIVERABLES" into a grant application form.